March 9, 2012

King of Hearts: Pre-relationship Failures


Welcome to the first post of the King of Hearts series where I’ll be giving advice and discussing topics about attraction, dating, and relationships. Watch out for next article, coming soon!

It’s always a good sign when the person you’re attracted to gives you their number. It’s even better when they finally agree to go on a date with you. But just because you got promising signs doesn’t mean your work is over. Sure, it may be obvious that he or she is into you. After all, under normal circumstances, one does not simply agree to go on a date with someone they’re not even a little bit attracted to. But that little bubble of interest can quickly burst if you start doing the wrong things. Here are five things you did that probably blew it.


1. You got too clingy

So your first date went well. Both of you had a good time and from the way things went the second date is almost a guarantee. You then proceed to call them or send them a text message that same night to tell them what a great time you had. That’s totally fine and acceptable. But somehow you got possessed by a spirit that told you it wasn’t enough. You check your phone as soon as your eyes opened the next day and see an empty home screen. You start to panic a little, so you send them another message hoping they haven’t forgotten about you. Hours go by and your phone hasn’t made any sound. You hear a voice in your head telling you that maybe they left their phone at home or maybe they forgot to charge it last night. But a louder, sissier voice tells you that you need confirmation. So you then conclude that sending them a message every hour would be a good idea.

Don't you have better things to do than stare at your phone all day?


Being clingy is unattractive in relationships and pre-relationships. Before you pick up your phone and go on a texting/calling spree, use your imagination and think how you will look like to the other person. Three words come to mind: Insecure, desperate, psycho. You may be deeply infatuated with someone, but it’s still good practice to have some self-control and not let your emotions dictate your actions.

2. You played it cool, too cool

Opposite to the first one, sometimes people resort to “playing it cool”. The problem occurs when you take it so far that you put out the flame without knowing it. There is nothing wrong with playing hard to get but you might run into the danger of losing their interest. The truth is most people love chasing and being chased. . The natural laws of attraction have always operated on a push-pull mechanism. Think of it as a spectrum with “clingy” on one end and “appearing disinterested” at the other – you have to find the right balance. It varies from person to person so you have to use your own judgment on when to push and when to pull. When you feel like they need a little bit of space after you’ve made your advancements, then backpedal a little and let them come after you. A good rule of thumb is two steps forward and one step back (or one step forward and two steps back, depending on the person).

Unless you're as awesome as Ryan Gosling, you have no business of playing it too cool.


3. You revealed too much about yourself

I understand that sometimes our conversations become too exciting that we get carried away, but your date probably doesn’t need to know your sexual history right away. One common mistake that people make is revealing too much information about themselves. Telling someone your secrets gives them a sign that you trust them, but some things in life take time and this is one of them. Also, sometimes TMI is just TMI. Another fundamental component of attraction is mystery. By revealing too much about yourself early on, you are setting yourself up for a disaster because you simply eliminated the mystery factor. A fitting analogy would be movies: ever had a friend spoil a movie’s plot then you suddenly lose interest in watching it? Just like the mystery of every movie’s plot, our personal secrets also function as baits that keep other people interested in us.

If you knew the ending to The Sixth Sense, would you still watch it?


4. You got too cocky

Exuding confidence is always a positive when it comes to building attraction. After all, no one wants a partner with low self-esteem. But one must be able to clearly distinguish the difference between confidence and cockiness. No one wants to listen to you talk about the luxury car you own or how well-paid you are. If you’re asked or if it comes up in a conversation, then briefly mentioning it is already sufficient.  Bragging about them just makes you look like you have nothing else going on for you other than these things. Also, you may think that bragging can make you appear more confident, but nothing screams confidence louder than a proper body language. You could be boasting about your million-dollar mansion but if you’re biting your nails then you look like the tiniest person in the room.

That's why Lebron never had the confidence to take the game-winning shot.


5. You uttered the forbidden phrase

If there’s one thing you could take away from this entire article, it’s that patience pays off.  So you could be absolutely “in love” (I’ll discuss more about this in a future piece) with a person, but that doesn’t mean you need to let them know ASAP. Just like revealing too much about yourself and being too clingy early on, saying “I love you” at this stage can spook someone immediately and send them running. Remember what happened in the series pilot of How I Met Your Mother?


I’m aware that saying “I love you” in some cultures is necessary to make a relationship official. But even then, you need to assess whether the time is right to say so. Be patient, take it slow, and maybe they’ll even say it first.


Sometimes things just don’t work out

You could be doing all the right things but sometimes things just don’t fall in place. It could be incompatibility or just a lack of chemistry between two people that led to the failure of a relationship before it even started. However, by knowing what NOT to do when the opportunity comes along highly increases your chances at being successful at this stage of the relationship.


About the Author

Ralph King
Ralph King
Ralph King is one of the two Editor-in-Chiefs of recultured.com. He is a 5th-year Communications student who is passionate about advertising and media studies. His hobbies include obsessing over the NBA and listening to Hip-Hop music. Once in a while, you'll see him strolling the streets with a DSLR.

Read previous post:
Sh*t ____ say

To make this article sound a little bit more professional, according to Urban Dictionary the term "shit say" is defined...